Cold
by Olivia.K.A
Summary: Abby is losing herself. Alcohol and self harm is the only thing she can do. Will John see it in time ?
1. Chapter 1 Lonely

Cold

* * *

Hi everyone ! I just wanted to say I'm French and don't write too often in English so, sorry if the language and text isn't the best.

* * *

CHAPTER 1 : Lonely

I was alone, on my knees, holding my wrists. I had that thought in my mind since I woke up. I had to hurt myself. Since he left… Since he left, everything was different. Pain was strong. But I could not feel anything. How was that possible ? How could I feel everything and absolutely nothing at the very same time ? No tears had yet run on my cheeks. I could not cry. Somehow, I wish I did. Maybe I would feel less… empty. It felt as if my only option left was to die. I could feel my aching heart. Hours went by and I couldn't move. I was still there, alone in my room, holding my wrists, looking at them… I grabbed a cutter on my table. I had to do it. I needed to. But I couldn't do it on my wrists. Not yet. I had to punish myself, and it had to last longer than one day.

I stood up and took off my pants. It was gonna hurt I knew it would. But I had to. Holding the cutter, I got closer to my leg. I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breathe. And I did it. My leg was bleeding and somehow it brought me some kind of relief. I did it. I was bleeding. I was alive. I was in pain.

The next day at work was pretty hard. My leg was killing me. My pants rubbing on some open cuts was almost as bad as cutting. All day long I had to pretend. I had that fake smile everyone takes for happiness and joy. If only they knew… They wouldn't believe the war I was having with myself every single seconds They wouldn't believe how destroyed I was. But no one cares enough to ever notice. No one cares until it is too late.

\- Hey Abby ! What are you doing ?

John took me out of my thoughts.

\- Nothing. I whispered.

\- You okay ?

He looked at me and for a second I hoped someone would try. Try to save me.

\- Yeah.

I lied.

\- Great !

Of course he didn't notice. He was too busy. They're all too busy.

On my twenty minutes break I decided I wouldn't go to lunch. What was the point anyway.. Instead I just sat on a bench and smoked a cigarette. It's funny how they taste much better in those moments of deep sadness… This thought almost made me smile. Almost. John walked passed me, and stopped.

\- You're coming to lunch with me ?

\- No.. I'm not really hungry right now.

\- Alright.

I wished he could see it. How dead I am inside.

But he just walked away. I took another cigarette before going back to work.

My stomach was hurting but I couldn't tell if I was starving or if sadness was causing it. I just wanted this day to end. I wanted this life to end.


	2. Chapter 2 Is there some hope

CHAPTER 2 : Is there some hope ?

John and I were always good friends. We had a little something, that clearly could not be called a relationship. John was the kind of man who truly worries and cares for you. And it was nice to have that for a moment. But… I needed space. I needed to be able to break down whenever I needed to. I needed my bottles of alcohol after work. And all that, I couldn't have with him. He was constantly trying to help. And at that time, I was not ready for help. I needed to break down. I needed to let the pain come in. I needed… I needed to let it out. And let it in.

Months later, I was trying to get better. Without him. But him leaving me was harder than I thought it would be. Watching him go away was extremely painful. But I could not tell him. I could not admit he was right, that I needed help. And now that I needed to be saved, I was forced to be quiet.

Work was hell. Walking all day long with destroyed legs was worse. Sometimes, right after my panic attacks, I would take scissors and stab my leg. Again and again. Until I couldn't feel anything anymore. Then, I would sit on the floor, my back against the wall, drinking my vodka straight from the bottle. My leg was full of bruises and no space was left on it for me to cut. That's when I started to hurt my other leg, and the rest of my body. I had lost so much weight, I had no clothes left that would fit me. I was so different… But one day, it stopped. The pain stopped. I was not feeling it anymore. All those cuts, those scars, those bruises… They all stopped hurting. It was like I was unable to fell pain mentally and physically. I still needed to cut, to see the blood. It was my only way to make sure I was still alive. Sadly.

At work, John seemed to be more talkative with me. He was spending more time with me, would bring his lunch to work so he could spend his break eating on the bench with me. Sometimes we wouldn't say a word. I couldn't tell if he did it because he knew something was wrong, or… There was no other reason I could think of. He definitely knew.

\- Maybe we could go grab a coffee after work ? Asked John while I was smoking my cigarette and he was eating his sandwich.

He noticed my hesitation.

\- If you wanted… If not… It's fine.

I could go grab a coffee with him. I just didn't want it to be a way for him to question me.

\- Maybe.. I answered quietly.

\- Alright.

He took a new bite of his sandwich and seemed to start thinking.

\- You've lost some weight Abby…

Apparently he had decided not to wait for the coffee.

\- Yeah. I was on a diet. I replied, quickly.

\- Abby.. You never eat lunch. In fact… I haven't seen you eat anything in… weeks !

\- Listen, I'm a big girl. I don't need your opinion on my diet, on my weight or anything. I'm fine.

As I said it, my voice got louder. And my hands got shaky. I took a quick look at them, threw my cigarette on the floor, and hided them in my pockets.

\- I'm fine. I repeated calmly before going back into the hospital.

I could feel him watching me leave.. I knew he had questions, I knew he was worried. I knew all that. But how could I tell him… How could I tell him that losing him made me go so bad…

The whole week following the "incident" John ignored me. I suppose that was his way of giving me space. Or maybe he definitely got tired of me. Both would be understandable after all. I did feel guilty for raising my voice a bit… But I wasn't ready to handle questions and judgment. I needed some time.

Going home after work was so hard. Loneliness was bringing me down a bit more every day. My legs were looking awfully bad. My whole body was looking bad… Being alone in an apartment so quiet, where all I had was alcohol, scissors and cutter, was like entering hell.

I was laying on the floor of my bathroom, with no pants on. I was avoiding the rubbing of my pants on my fresh cuts. There as so many empty bottles on the floor.. Too many.

\- Abby ?

Someone was at the door. I definitely couldn't open the door now. I couldn't let anyone see the blood, the cuts, the bottles, or even me. My legs were so thin… With my clothes and my blouse no one could notice how bad it got.

\- Abby, are you here ?

I recognized Luka's voice. I wanted to open, curious on the reason why he was there, but I couldn't.

\- Carter said you were home.

Damn.. Was he ever gonna let down and just go ? The phone started ringing, and I knew it was him. He was so insistent.. maybe it was important. The phone stopped ringing and I heard Luka's footsteps getting more and more distant. I looked at my bloody hands, at the floor covered of dry blood and sighed. One more late night cleaning the mess I made. If only I could clean as easily the mess I had become...


	3. Chapter 3 There's no one else to blame

CHAPTER 3 : There's no one else to blame.

I never got to know why Luka came to my apartment. I already had a fake excuse on why I wasn't there when he came, just in case he ever asked. But he never did. It probably wasn't so important then…

I was exhausted. I was a ghost. The old Abby was gone. Was there even a new Abby… Probably not. I was dead inside. Eating a slice of bread a day, throwing up at night. I spent all of my breaks smoking as many cigarettes as I had time for, alone. John was ignoring me still. Luka was busy. Susan was talking about a girl trip, about drinking a bit in a bar and about traveling. I was alone with my pain. It was out of my control. I wish I could scream for help and not be stuck in this body, half alive. Sometimes, I would hide in the toilets and press my nails in my skin. I did that between two patients, to make sure I was still there, somehow. My arms had cuts on them, bruises and some nail marks. They were getting as bad as my legs. How upsetting was it to slowly die in front of my friends eyes… But there was no one else to blame. I made it happen.

\- And I found the perfect hotel !

Susan took me out of my thoughts.

\- Yeah.. That's… that's great.

I had no idea of what she was talking about.

\- I know ! It's gonna be a very nice time.

She smiled to me before taking a new patient file.

I stayed there, unable to come back to reality. The thoughts in my head often took priority on what was surrounding me. I could see people moving around me, I could tell I was stuck in my thoughts.

\- Abby !

Luka's voice took me out of my thoughts. Again. They are gonna notice I thought. No they won't. They don't care. You're all alone Abby. All. Alone.

\- Sorry.

My voice was only a whisper now. Kovac looked at me quietly for a few seconds before taking a patient file and walk away. Jerry looked at me, probably thinking I was weird. I left to hide in the doctor's room. I sat on the chair next to the window. Tears were filling my eyes. I could see the reflection of my face in the window.. I could see the huge dark circles under my eyes, could see just on my face how destroyed I was. How was it possible that I was the only one to see it. How could no one see I needed to be saved. Slowly, I stood up. I took my bag, a few things in my locker and left. I left quietly, without being noticed. I was gone in a few minutes. Just like that.

Walking in Chicago's streets, with no idea of where I should go, I contemplated all the solutions I had. Not many. And one kept popping inside my mind. I only had one good, definitive option. The best option to finally be done with all of that pain, with all the suffering that I was experiencing since weeks.

I went back to my apartment. I drank a beer or two, and sat on the floor half naked. Without my loose clothes my body looked awfully sick. The number of cuts and bruises was impossible to tell. There was way too many. This view was making me sick. I was not looking at a patient. I was looking at my own body. I was the patient. I was so tired. Crying a bit, I grabbed my cutter. I looked at it for a few minutes. I knew what it meant. I reached that point. It was time. I had to finish with it. I wanted to be loved. But no one would ever love me. Not like that. And I was not gonna recover. After few minutes, the tears calmed down. I had to do it. I slowly cut my left wrist. The blood was rushing out of my cut, already forming a puddle on my bathroom floor. I screamed in pain and cut my other wrist. My phone rang right when I finished. I looked at the screen and saw his name. Maybe I was getting a chance to say goodbye…

\- John ?

My voice came from far away.

\- Abby… You left early ?

Pain was horrible and I started to have a hard time keeping my eyes open.

\- Abby ? Why are you crying ? Abby ?

\- It feels like the end… I whispered.

I turned to lay down on my back. I could feel the blood puddle getting bigger and bigger, I could feel my body laying in it. I could feel myself go.

\- Abby what the hell have you done ? I'm coming with Luka !

\- Too late.

\- Keep your damn eyes open, you hear me ? You stay awake.

I could hear panic in his voice. I could hear him scream Luka's name in the ER, I could hear them run. His voice sounded like from so far away…

\- Abby talk to me !

I think it was Luka. I was not able to talk. I was leaving my body. I felt it. It was time. So I let go. I let my eyes close, and I let the pain take the control. And quickly it was finished.

Luka and Carter were leaving the County when Abby stopped talking.

\- Abby talk to me ! Screamed Luka.

No answer.

\- Abby please… Please talk to me.

Luka was begging. The couldn't be too late. They couldn't have missed that. They couldn't let her go like that. They just could not. She had to stay alive. She had to keep breathing.

\- Abby…

Carter took the phone.

\- Abby I'm sorry I was upset. I'm so sorry. Please, talk to us. Please, keep your eyes open. We're coming to help you.

The silence from the phone was terrifying. There was no sound anymore. They took Carter's car. The phone was still on, both of them were completely silent to hear any sound from Abby. The whole drive they hoped for anything. A whisper, cries… Anything. But all they had was silence. They finally arrived to Abby's apartment. They ran in the stairs as fast as they could, and broke Abby's door. The apartment was dark. Empty. They walked to the bathroom and slowly opened the door. They both stopped. Taking a second to observe the scene. Abby was laying in a giant puddle of blood, both wrists cut open. Her body was extremely thin, full of bruises, scars and cuts. Bottles of alcohol were on the floor, a cutter covered of blood too. Carter called 911 while Luka and him grabbed her wrists. They both exchanged a very worried eye contact.

\- It doesn't look good. Whispered Luka.


	4. Chapter 4 : Bring her back

Chapter 4 : Bring her back

The ambulance arrived to the County quickly. Susan was waiting unaware of who was her next patient. All she knew is that it's was a suicide attempt. The doors of the ambulance opened and she saw Carter and Kovac getting out. In a second she knew.

\- No… She whispered. Is it… ?

\- It's Abby. Answered Kovac.

Susan ran Abby into the hospital. The whole service was chocked to see Abby so bad.

\- Her body… What happened to her ? Susan almost screamed.

Carter looked down.

\- She was depressed…

\- And no one noticed how bad it was ?

Susan was furious. How could everyone ignore how bad Abby was doing…

Luka and Carter were still chocked and had to stay out the room. They watched Susan and Pratt trying to save Abby's life for what seemed like eternity. When Abby's heart stopped, Carter turned around. He couldn't watch her die. Luka was praying in a whisper in Croatian. Susan was doing everything she could to save her friend's life. But when she was getting her back, her heart stopped again. And again. Abby was intubated. Between two reanimation, Susan looked at Luka. He could tell that she had no idea if we were gonna get her back. Abby's body was exhausted, and it would be very hard to keep her alive. She had not much energy to fight. And she probably didn't even want to fight. She wanted to go. But none of them could bring themselves to let her go. How do you say goodbye to your ex lover, to your very good friend… After an two hours, Susan came out of the room.

\- She is stable. She is going to ICU, and…

\- And ? Carter asked.

\- And we will cross fingers and pray.

Susan walked away as Pratt and other doctors were still helping Abby in the room. Luka and John entered. She looked so different… You could feel her pain just by looking at her.

\- I should have done something…

Carter's voice was different.

\- You tried…

\- No. I got upset when she refused to talk to me. I stopped talking to her, and I pretty much let her down.

Luka didn't know what to say.

\- I didn't help either.

\- Did you know ?

\- I mean, I noticed something was… different… I clearly didn't think it was that bad. I did not know she had lost so much weight and… and that she self harmed.

\- I did not know either. I knew for her weight. I noticed at breaks that she was not eating a thing. She was just smoking all the time. But… I didn't try to see more. I didn't try to know.

Carter sounded upset with himself.

\- She will be fine.

That's all Luka could say. Cause he had no idea himself. And he wanted to believe it himself. He wanted Abby to get better.. He regretted that he didn't help her, tried to talk to her.

Days went by and Abby was still unconscious. Carter and Kovac would go see her one by one, so she was never alone.

Luka was sitting by her side when her eyes slowly opened.

\- Abby ? Do you hear me ? He said softly while he held her hand.

She looked at him, while tears ran down her cheeks. She nodded.

\- Good. Abby you're at hospital. Do you remember what happened ?

Abby took a second then shook her head.

\- You… You tried to kill yourself in your bathroom. Carter and I came to help you.

Abby started to cry a bit more. She grabbed the tube in her mouth.

\- Do you want it out ?

She nodded again.

\- Alright. Let me do it. Don't forget to breathe out as I do it okay ?

Luka took the tube out and Abby cough a little.

\- John… She whispered.

\- I'm paging him.

Luka sat next to her again, still holding her hand.

\- You scared me.

She didn't answer.

I could feel pain in my whole body. I took a quick look at my wrists. They were covered of a bandage. I could feel that the cuts on my arms and legs were being taken care of. I was so… upset. So disappointed. I couldn't stop crying. Not because I was scared. Not because I regretted. Because I failed. I should have never answer the phone. I should have wrote letters and die. Alone. I did not want to wake up in a hospital. Even less this hospital. When I asked about Carter, I didn't meant I needed to see him. I don't know myself why I asked about him… He had done enough to me. I was breathing. Again. I was feeling. Again. I was alive. Again.

How could they do that to me ? Force me to live… How could they impose life to me ? How could they let all the people I know see me like this ? How could they….

Carter entered the room. He slowly walked up to me.

\- Hi.

He almost whispered.

\- How are you feeling ?

\- I'm breathing.

He looked at me as if he didn't understand. I looked at them, trying to hold back the tears, and turned my head. I didn't want to look at them. Luka left the room, leaving me and Carter alone.

\- Why… Why did you do that Abby ?

He didn't need to know. I don't wanted to explain why I did it. I just wanted to be alone.

\- Abby…

His voice was imploring, but I remained silent. I could hear someone knocking at the door.

\- Come in. Said Carter.

I could hear the sound of a crutch. Kerry.

\- Hi abby.

\- She is not very… talkative.

He tried to say that discretely.

\- Oh.. I see… Well, I was only checking on you. Take all the time you need to recover Abby. We will be there when you're ready.

She seemed to care… Seemed. Who could care about me ? No one.

Kerry left, soon followed by Carter. He said whatever thing before leaving. I didn't listen.. I was tired of all the sounds. I was just tired. Of everything surrounding me.

Days passed and I was still there, on that hospital bed. I had visits, lot of them. Too many. Susan came and spent so much time trying to make me talk, and understand what and why. But I didn't say a word. Pratt came once. Few minutes… Just to see how the depressive Abby was doing. Pathetic. Luka and Carter were coming every single day, sometimes for few hours, sometimes they had too much work. I wished they would stop and just leave me alone.


	5. Chapter 5 Recovering

Chapter 5 : Recovering

I spent weeks hospitalized. They wanted me to take some weight before going home.

The day I was allowed to go home was definitely a strange feeling. Luka and Carter were both there, carrying the two poor bags of clothes and toiletries I had. They walked me to Carter's car. I could feel them staring at me, I noticed their head turn to me every time I would take a deep breath or anytime I'd make an unexpected movement. It was pretty stressful to be watched like that. I was hoping that they would drive me home, maybe carry my bags to the front of my door and leave, but it didn't happen that way.

\- I cleaned the bathroom before picking you up at hospital. Said Luka.

Entering in my apartment was difficult. It was there that it all happened.. All those nights thinking of my suicide, cutting myself, drinking alcohol… Just hurting myself so much. I hated it. I hated being alive, and having to live that again. Why did they save me ?

\- I'm fine. I finally said. You should go.

Carter and Kovac looked at each other. They were not buying it.

\- We are not gonna let you alone Abby.

\- Carter, this is my apartment. My place. I don't want visits right now. I want some time. Alone.

He looked at me, a bit upset. He didn't say anything, grabbed his coat and left.

Luka was standing next to my couch, waiting for me to tell him to go too.

\- Luka…

I didn't want to argue. I was tired. I wanted to lay down and cry.

\- I'm staying.

He said it with such conviction that I didn't replied. I slowly walked to the fridge and opened it. Of course, it was empty. All I could find in it was alcohol. Luka would never let me drink. I sighed.

\- Are you hungry ? He asked, probably feeling my irritation.

\- No.

He sat on the couch, silent.

\- Do you… wanna watch tv ?

\- No.

\- Do you want to talk ?

His voice was more firm.

\- Luka, I want to be alone.

\- I'm sorry, I can't do that.

\- Why not ?

My voice was raising.

\- Because you tried to kill yourself Abby. You were laying in your own blood, other there, in your bathroom. You were destroying yourself a little more every day and never told me about it. Never told me, never told Carter or Lewis or anyone. You never tried to tell us something very bad was happening. You didn't even explained. And it's fine if you refuse to explain, but you can not expect us to leave you alone just like that and act like nothing happened. Do you even know how it was for us to find you there ? Do you know how painful it was to see that all that happened right in front of our eyes and we didn't even notice ? I can't leave you alone. Not just yet.

I couldn't say anything. So… he was the victim ? Really ? After all that, after being so alone and slowly dying in front of everyone's eyes without anyone even seeing that something was happening, he was the victim.

\- You didn't notice because you didn't want to. No one wants or needs me here. Goodnight.

I left him there, and went to bed. But finding sleep after all that wasn't easy. Laying in that bed I was hoping to never find again was painful. Breathing, walking, being alive was worse. I was living in hell… I grabbed my pillow, and pressed my head in it so Luka would not hear me cry. I fell asleep crying.

The next morning, Luka was still there. I knew by the noise he was making in the kitchen. I wasn't feeling like getting out of bed, so I decided to spend the day in it. I had a small tv right in front of my bed that I turned on with the sound very low hoping Luka wouldn't hear it and know that I was awake. After a few hours, he finally knocked on my door. Should I act like a kid and turn off the tv and fake to be asleep or just tell him I wanted to be left alone in bed ? I didn't have time to choose, and Luka opened the door.

\- You okay ?

\- Close the door.

He sighed and closed the door. I could hear him walk in the apartment like he was thinking or waiting something. Then I heard. Someone rang the bell of the front door. They really would never leave me alone…

I heard Carter's voice, I heard plastic bags sounds.. Oh great… Carter did my groceries. I could hear them talking but couldn't understood what about. Someone left the apartment. Of course, it's that moment that my bladder decided it was full and needed to be relieved.

I left bed and realized how painful my whole body was. I left the room and almost ran to the toilet. I wanted to avoid any sort of conversation or human contact. After flushing the toilet, I could hear someone knock at the bathroom door.

\- Really Luka ? I'm just peeing.

\- It's John.

Oh.

\- Well you can go home. I'm going back to bed.

I opened the door and ended up face to face with him.

\- How are you feeling ?

\- Amazing. I'm doing amazing. Now could you please move out of my way, and get out of my apartment ?

He smiled.

\- You won't get rid of me so easily. I made dinner. Come eat.

\- No thank you. I'm not hungry.

He blocked my way to my bedroom.

\- Dinner is going to be cold. He said.

I walked to the table and saw pasta were ready.

\- I am not hungry Carter.

\- Alright. Then I will eat and..

\- And ?

\- And maybe we could talk about all that happened.

\- There is nothing to say.

\- I think there is plenty. Let's start with why. Why did you do all that to yourself ?

I was exhausted of questions.

\- You.

He looked at me, uncertain if he truly heard what I said or if he misunderstood.

\- Me ?

\- Yeah.

\- What the hell do you mean by me ?

\- When you left.

His face was showing me the shock of that revelation.

\- It killed me to watch you leave me and not be able to do anything. It killed me that… I wasn't good enough.

My sentence ended up in a whisper. Carter was speechless. I left the table, without giving him time to say anything. I didn't need him to talk to me. He wanted answers and got them. I went back to bed, and hoped that soon, it would all be over.


	6. Chapter 6 Gone

CHAPTER 6 : Gone

The apartment was completely silent. I knew Carter was still there, but he probably had fell asleep. It was impossible for me to sleep after that. All I could think about was how was I gonna do to get rid of them constantly staying in my apartment… And an idea popped in my head. I was gonna fake everything. Fake smiling, fake recovering, fake being okay. It was my only way out. Of course I couldn't just be suddenly so happy but I had to start now.

The next morning, I forced myself out of the bed. I sat in the kitchen, eating cereals and drinking coffee. Carter was gone, Luka replaced him. He seemed quite surprised to see me.

\- Hi…

He said hesitant.

\- Hi.

I didn't look at him. Too much efforts would ruin the plan.

\- How.. How did you sleep ? He asked, observing me while I was eating.

\- Good.

He took a bowl, and made himself a bowl of cereals too.

\- I didn't expect you to leave your bed yet.

\- I didn't either. Miracles happen I guess.

Luka smiled a bit.

\- Carter said that…

\- I probably already know what he said.

I brutally cut him short.

\- Is it really why ?

What ? Was it not enough to his liking ?

\- Luka, it's not your business.

\- Well… You tried to kill yourself. So, as your friend, I am concerned.

\- Don't be.

I stood up, cleaned my bowl and turned to him.

\- When is my next day of work ?

\- Abby…

\- I wanna work.

Luka was against me working again. He wanted me to wait a few weeks maybe months. He wanted me to recover completely first. If I was back to work, they would leave me alone. And that was the ultimate goal.

They had no idea what was going on inside. At night, when I was alone in my room, I would hit my whole body with my fists. I was wearing my old loose clothes again, and if they asked, I would just say I feel comfortable in it.

Susan came to visit once or twice. She was kind of upset with me for what I did. Kerry called and asked how I was doing. I asked her about work. All she said was that it would happen when it needed to happen. Another way of saying not now… Pratt called too. He didn't seem too sure about what he was supposed to say.

I spent weeks faking a recover. I did took some weight, as I was watched every single day. They would cook all my meals, and check my plate afterwards. I hated every bite of food that went in my mouth. I hated them all silently. But after weeks, I started reaching my goal. Carter and Luka stopped staying h24, they were of course still coming every day, but I was not watched every single minute. Slowly, I would have my apartment for myself again. And I couldn't wait for it.

Carter was still upset that I qualified him as the main reason I wanted everything to end. The fact that he left had ruined me. How could I lie about it ? Was I supposed to lie about it, like I lied about everything else, just to make him feel okay with himself ? He asked to know. He asked so many times. I refused to respond, but he was not giving up. He wouldn't have gave up until I told him. Now he knew. When he would come to the apartment, he would do things, like clean the dishes, cook, vacuum, things like that to help. But he would not communicate with me. He was kind of ignore me. And I didn't care.

\- You know, it still stress me out to leave you alone.

Luka was standing near my door.

\- Why is that ?

\- Because I really care about you Abby.

He turned around, opened the door and left. Just like that. His tone of voice was so… No. It couldn't be. Luka was just a friend.

After he left, I spent an hour waiting to see if Carter was coming or not. But it seemed like I was about to spend my first night alone since that day. And maybe It was my chance. My chance of getting rid of all that. The memories, my old life… Just all the things I could not see and handle anymore.

I surprised myself thinking of Luka. Was he gonna hate me ? Was he gonna look for me ? I hoped not.

In a large bag I packed most of my clothes, toiletries and some personal stuffs. I left the apartment and ran to the bank. I took as much cash as I could. I stopped in front of Luka's building. I hoped he wouldn't see me there and left my credit card and mobile phone in his mailbox. I left his building, conscious I could not go back on what I was doing. I had left no letter. No explanation. They already had them. They didn't need to know where I was going, or why. I took my car and drove as long as I could. I ended up in a small town in Alabama. No one would think of searching for me here. I wondered what Carter and Kovac were thinking about at that precise moment. I wondered if they were trying to find me. Or if they thought I was dead. Or if they knew that soon, I would be.


End file.
